Tobais: The Sordid Tale

I keep forgetting.  I keep forgetting that I have bad self esteem.  I go around, thinking life
is grand, when I suddenly do something out of the ordinary.  As soon as it happens, a little
voice in my head tells me some earth-shaking, shocking thing.  It reminds me of what I keep
forgetting.

I keep forgetting.  I keep forgetting girls think I'm creepy.  I talk, and have been told my
normal way of speaking is flirting.  I'm self conscious.  The girl thinks I'm forward.  She
senses danger.  She backs off. She tries to do it as kindly as possible, but I can't understand.
I can't take a hint.  I'm stupid.  I'm oblivious.  She has to tell me again to leave her alone, but
I still have no idea why she is acting this way.  She finally gives up, and ignores me forever.

I keep forgetting that I can't be friends with cheerleaders.  They think about how funny a guy
is, how cute he is, and, omygosh, he can benchpress over 300 lbs!  How can a guy who is
late with the punchline make a girl laugh?  How can a cheerleader be friends with a guy who
isn't Chase Hansen or Johnny Depp, but more like Haphaestus?  How can a cheerleader be
a friend to a guy who doesn't benchpress 300 lbs?

I keep forgetting they don't want me around.  I remember one conversation I had with them.
Can I call it a conversation if they spoke only to each other and I ate lunch in the midst of
them, yet very alone?  I guess not.  Yet I kept trying to eat there, I kept trying to work up the
courage to say something.  But I couldn't.  And they wouldn't acknowledge me.  You'd think
I'd learn.

I keep forgetting I'm not alone.  I'm not the only one in this situation.  I'm not the only one
who eats with people alone.  I'm not the only one girls don't want to date.  I'm not the only
one who can't make friends with anyone, let alone cheerleaders.  I keep forgetting someone
has walked this path before me.

I keep forgetting my family.  I don't thank them enough.  I don't explain to them any
difficulties I have.  I leave them in the dust.  I love them, but I don't explain myself.  I
forget that they are always there for me.  I keep forgetting we have such fun on nights
where we just sit and watch a movie, or when we play a board game together. Tonight will
not be the last night I see the light.

When will we own ourselves completely?  We really don't know how to control ourselves.  We can't say without any hesitation "I have never let myself do anything I didn't want it to."  We don't truly know ourselves, as much as some people think.  When was the last time an unwanted thought crept into your head, unanounced?  When was the last time you said something without thinking?  Have you ever jerked in your sleep?  Can you truly control yourself around others?

Or do we all just FAIL?